Managing our emotions is a skill, just like riding a bike. Some people learn to manage their emotions in childhood by watching how their parents manage theirs.
Everyone has unpleasant emotions from time to time such as anger, jealousy, fear, or anxiety. It's human nature. But a key to living a satisfying life and getting along with others is to be able to manage your emotions and behavior even in times of stress. One way to do this is with self-regulation.
What is self-regulation?
What is self-regulation?
Self-regulation is the act of controlling your behaviors, thoughts, emotions, choices, and impulses. Self-regulation skills help you keep negative emotions in check and think before you react. In essence, it's a type of self-control or emotion regulation.
Negative emotions are disruptive. They can interfere with your happiness, productivity, and relationships. While you can't always avoid negative feelings, you can change the way you react to them.
Self-regulation draws upon:
emotional stability
self-discipline
flexibility in adapting to different situations
persistence in getting through tough times
strong personal values that guide your reactions and decisions.
People with good self-regulation skills can still feel sad, angry, or stressed during difficult times. But they have learned to manage these challenges better.
Why is self-regulation important?
When confronted with distressing or challenging situations, people with a strong ability to self-regulate can maintain a measured outlook and respond with thoughtfulness and maturity.
People with good emotion regulation skills tend to have healthier behaviors and better overall health. Some of the healthy behaviors connected with self-regulation include being physically active, having a good diet, and not smoking.
On the other hand, people who are emotionally dysregulated experience high levels of stress and anxiety that can lead to poor physical and mental health. Some of the conditions associated with emotional dysregulation include being more sedentary, being overweight, and having high blood pressure and other stress-related problems.
Why is it important to understand and manage your emotions?
We all feel intense emotions at times - this is normal. However, if we don’t have healthy ways to manage these emotions, they can start to harm our behaviour and relationships.
In the short term, not managing our emotions can increase our risk of anxiety and withdrawal, and lead to difficulties controlling our behaviour. In the long term, we may experience more conflict and relationship breakdowns, and we could be more at risk of depression and other mental health conditions.
6 ways to manage your emotions
It’s never too late to learn how to understand and manage your emotions. Below, we explore 9 ways to control your emotions.
1. Notice your emotions
Noticing your emotions as you’re feeling them is an important first step to understanding them. From there, you can choose how you want to react. You can start to notice your emotions by checking in with yourself throughout the day. Try writing down how you’re feeling on a piece of paper, on a note on your phone or in a journal.
2. Name your feelings
Naming your feelings may sound similar to noticing them, but the act of naming them can help in two main ways:
When you speak your feelings out loud, your brain automatically begins to reevaluate the situation that triggered those feelings. This process, known as cognitive reappraisal, can make the situation feel less upsetting.
Voicing your feelings acknowledges them, which brings acceptance. It also acts as a reminder that emotions aren’t permanent and can be noticed and let go of.
Naming your feelings could be as simple as saying, “I’m feeling tired and grumpy today, but a little excited for this evening.” You could set yourself the goal of naming your feelings to your spouse, friends or family members once a day. Alternatively, if sharing your emotions with others feels too much right now, you can practice telling yourself in the mirror.
3. Identify your triggers
When we’re in a situation that triggers intense emotions, we get a physical reaction. This physical reaction can indicate that someone has overstepped our boundaries or that something they said or did reminded us of a painful past experience. One way to identify your triggers is to concentrate on your body. Here are some signs that you may be feeling emotionally triggered:
Sweating
Rapid heart rate
Panic or anxiety attack
Finding it difficult to breathe
Sudden changes in your mood
Tension in your muscles, jaw, or fists
Experiencing a series of negative thoughts
Feeling panicky, scared, or generally unsafe
Experiencing a sudden urge to escape or run away.
When you notice this physical reaction, it can help to ask yourself:
What happened that triggered me?
Did the trigger event bring up any thoughts or memories?
Does this feeling remind me of something from my past?
These questions can help you identify what caused you to feel triggered in the present, and what experience it may have reminded you of from the past.
4. Write down your feelings
By processing your difficult feelings and getting them down on paper, you begin to let them go. Studies show that regular journaling helps ease our painful emotions long-term. Journaling consistently for several months is also associated with fewer symptoms of depression.5
If you find it difficult to put your feelings into words, drawing, sculpting and painting are also great ways to get in touch with your feelings.
5. Accept your emotions (rather than fighting them)
If you didn’t feel safe showing emotions like anger or sadness when you were a child, these emotions may be quickly followed by negative thoughts like:
“I need to toughen up.”
“I’m weak for feeling like this.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“I just have to stay busy.”
When trying to understand and respond to your emotions, it’s important to do so without criticism or judgement, or by avoiding or dismissing them. When you accept and acknowledge your emotions, the emotions may become less distressing, which can make them easier to manage.
You can practice accepting your emotions by imagining that they are leaves on a stream. You can’t stop the leaves from falling, but you can watch them flow downstream, further and further away, until eventually you can’t see them at all. They are temporary, just like your difficult emotions. You can also learn to accept your emotions using positive affirmations.
6. Speak to someone
It’s not easy learning how to manage your emotions on your own. So, if you’re finding it tough, that’s okay. Many professionals are trained and experienced in helping people just like you with emotion management.
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